Yellow

I am back home. Malaysia has kept me well-rounded and fulfilled with all its treasures and unpleasantness. I feel very belonged to something here. With 31 August approaching very progressively, I cannot help but embrace this feeling.

Meeting old and new family members was the best part so far. Old relatives seemed to have never changed and new relatives are more approachable now than I would ever imagine. The old ones are bubbly, load, concern and loving. They made me feel like I never actually left. The new relatives, are labeled as such because I actually knew they existed but nothing sparked between us to fuel the flames of these relationships. Anyways..to keep up with the parallelism of the earlier matter, I shall say that the new relatives made me feel like I truly have something to come back home to! Maybe it is the fact that I have just turned 21 in May and people are starting to take me seriously.

Nevertheless, life has got to go on being Thanges. The series of political events happening in Malaysia this summer has certainly got most eyes penned on my Facebook profile. Like I have always told many people, expression is what I believe to be the right of every human being. I sing. I dance. I act. I write. I post statements on my page almost everyday. I enjoy it. Expression is the best fire that I have in me. I love to savour every moment that I have, not caring for the people who think I shouldn't do this and that or I should have said this and that. A simple presentation during my Contemporary Issues Class during my Intec years was why I have so much enthusiasm when it comes to freedom of speech. Of course, first, one must be responsible for what he or she wants or has to say. If you happened to be wrong or lack evidence, don't just wither away with your opinions. When this happened to me, I would apologize for the error in information and will ask for more time allowance to research a matter to make myself indestructible. There is nothing wrong with asking questions..even stupid ones; that is, to make my head cleared of any haze of doubts.

It is never wrong to have a bizarre opinion. You just gotta have a reason to back it up.
A: Why do you like yellow?
B: Because I like yellow lah!
I have seen too many of this!

But thank the Lord because I have also found a huge group like this.
A: Why do you like yellow?
B: It is the color of friendship/ I love anything bright and joyful/ It makes me smile.
No matter the reason. At least, they have a reasonable one.


Yellow yellow dirty fellow,
Yellow yellow down and mellow,
Yellow yellow who's that fellow,
Yellow yellow, checkout the new hello.

Peace!

THICK-SKINNED!

Citations, citations and more citations!

Surya, Vijay, Mr.D, Vatsal, Ajith!

Guitar is fixed but is not that tuned.

Life still goes on!

(This is the most absurd 'poem' I have ever written...hahah)

With finals, portfolios, assignments, ISC matters, my apartment stuffs and the usual ranting, I have had one person disturb my head REAL BAD this time around. This bastard's facebook name is Rocked DAfella-look him up and you will see what I mean.

A few weeks ago, a friend tagged me in a note in conjunction to Earth's day. In that note, he told me to spam the Prime Minister's FB wall with a message to get rid of the nuclear power plan that has got many environmental NGOs back home, uneasy. So I copied and pasted that message on his wall and some of my friends supported me, which is normal. The shock I received was a message from the bloke I've mentioned above. He asked me my intentions and "why was I supporting BN and those malay idiots?" So I replied him. I questioned his judgement of his name-calling and gave him a long essay on being rational and to grow up. I wish I did not deleted this 3-day long thread of messages but I did. I WAS SO ANGRY AT THE WAY HE CONDEMNED MY PATRIOTIC VIEWS AND THE WAY THE GOVERNMENT IS RUN.

He was being very emotional and rude just like all of you people who agree to his views! He was complaining on the inequality and finally played the race card on me by asking me to change my name to Tun Fatimah because of my views. He called me a bitch, crackhead, dumbass, cheapest low life, bastardised idiot and many more that I wish I could remember. He said that I was supporting them just because I am sponsored by them. Damn! How I wished now that I have not deleted that message. But I had to because I was already facing some problems with my life here on that day and his replies were not very motivating as you can already sense. Anyways, that day..............THAT DAY..........I CREATED SOMETHING VERY POWERFUL!

I developed thick skin.

I wish I could say it in a exaggerated manner to emphasize its meaning but that IS IT!

He made me realize that there are more of his kind of people in my home right now. "Instead of ranting over inequalities and how unfair the government is, why don't you try and make a difference? Complaining will take you backwards! " I told him that but as I expected, Einstein continued his signature, useless, magic trick of calling me a bitch. What pissed me off wasn't the name-calling and the uncivilized manner of speech, but when he told me that "the country is ruined because of people like you." I lashed back at him for saying that and his magic trick continued with many 'enticingly' described variations of his signature words. I even said "nalla irre" to him when I begun to noticed or assume how sad of a life he has being a hater.

It made me think that he was right in a way. People like me who still are in high spirits of the nation's development are too few to beat the majority of the people who are like him.

I have a plan.

I did not contest for the Presidency of ISC if I wasn't in it for a motive that I believed in. Whatever decisions that I have made in my life in the past 4 years was all geared toward a blurred big picture that I knew I had in my mind since I had the ability to think.

I am preparing myself for the blurred picture that is getting clearer day by day. I have a lot to learn and a hell lot more to realize, thanks to Rocked DAfella. To those out there or the members from the "People like me" party, don't just sit there and rant all day at the imperfections of our Malaysian lives anymore but please START working on it to make a difference. Don't waste time complaining about things that we already know to be true....you are not going anywhere! Instead of crying over spilled milk, get up and go get yourself another cup but this time, make sure its not a glass cup!

I have only spoken to a few people about this incident because I didn't have enough time to spread it like butter. For all the "people like me" out there, be aware that HATERS ARE ALWAYS AROUND TO MAKE OUR DAYS MORE INTERESTING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Notes about haters:

1. Haters only hate the things that they can't get and the people they can't be.
2. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more.
   
3. If you don't like me remember it's mind over matter; I don't mind and you don't matter.
   
4. Don't hate what you can't imitate.
5. Don't hate me because I wasn't who you thought I was or who you wanted me to be. From start to finish you never knew the real me
6. Hating is the sincerest form of flattery.
7. Keep looking my way. My head is held high. You wanna bring me down? I dare you to try.
   

PEACE!

good luck for finals, folks!

Bitches in my beer!

Weekdays are flying so fast for me but my weekends are miserably moving very slow. I am not as excited as I was a few months ago about the thought of home in these last few weeks of Spring semester. Maybe I will be again when home is a few days away when May approaches. Listening to Kyle pluck his guitar while I type here with a wall dividing us, I can sense my brain enjoying his tune even though it is slowly fading away. This weekend I learned that silence is a language. The silence that comes by when nobody talks. I hear a lot when I do not talk. Kyle's tune. The plane from Spokane to Seattle. The sound of my two-year old laptop. And nothing.

I speak a lot.

To appreciate this silence, something must have changed me. I cannot see if this change is good or bad but Kyle's sudden switch to a repetitive rhythm just switched my gears in this piece that I write now. Just the sound of my laptop and nothing. I must be really bored (so now I think). I gave a speech last Wednesday to my class, persuading them to speak up. I wanted that topic just because I had done it before but little did I realize that I had to do it better this time because I was in America. I spoke of how Americans are very lucky to have the freedom of speech that we didn't. I compared their 1st Amendment of their Constitution to that of our Article 10 of the Malaysian Constitution. Despite the lack of preparation, I came through the speech with Dr. Miller's comments of "fascinating topic and a very good passion".

Funny how education works. In Malaysia, I had to study what the government had set out for all of us. Here, besides the subjects my major requires, I am finally getting the TRUE sense of learning by choosing what I want to learn. This way, I would want to do well because it is my decision. Public speaking was one of those subjects. If kids were allowed to choose what they wanted to specifically learn besides a 'small' amount of compulsory subjects, they would! And I bet they would excel in it. Problem, sometimes, arises when parents or family members are clouded by the stigma that their kids must end up as doctors, lawyers, engineers and the like. Some want me to fulfill their unfinished dreams. So does that make it OK to make my children to finish MY dreams during their lifetime? Then, when does one LIVE for themselves and the dreams that they have always wanted to achieve?

Dream big.

That is my right. If someone comes along and tells me "No, you can't do that", I would certainly get angry. Who are you to tell me what to do and what not to do? I would consider in a polite manner if you have a good ethos with the elements of the world BUT you don't! You are not a good person when you can lie to people who care about you. You make me sneer with disgust whenever you justify your STUPID acts of 'norm'.

Now, that was me being angry at someone. Someone once told me that hating people wastes one's time. As always, I am going to laugh it off because you are not worth my attention and also because I am a Malaysian that has been brought up by warriors and leaders. After writing all of this, I realized that I have drawn a smile on my face. All these are 'jujubi' matters that I have never cared about when I was in Malaysia for two decades. Now that I am alone here in my own world in America, the silence that I was talking about earlier, sometimes starts to take its stroll in my life by focusing matters that didn't seem to matter last time.

I am still Thanges.

But as I assimilate my beliefs in this 8 months of American experience, the actual reason of my independent choice of coming to WSU is getting clearer and more emphasized; that is to discover my potentials and to stand on my own feet when it comes to making decisions. Being out of the bubble, has made me see many broken ladders in Malaysia's development. The board game, 'Snakes and Ladders' gave me the impression that one could either go up with a ladder or go down with a snake. However, in these 'broken ladders', the snakes now are gliding their way up to their privileges by forming a 'bridge' between two broken ladders to allow the players to sail through but little do these players know and realize that the actual function of these snakes is to bring them down!

So, to all the players out there, get your dices rolling and knock these snakes out of the game!

p.s: Finals is in two weeks and the question is not whether I have prepared for finals or not BUT rather, IS FINALS PREPARED FOR ME? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

NALLA IRRE!

It is raining on the inside!!!!!!

It has been a while since I have said anything here and it has made me realize how so many things have changed!

1. I have been elected the President of the International Student Council of Washington State University. It was an awe-inspiring and embarrasing moment that I cried while giving my speech and moved some of the council members that I was supposed to influence. Well, I also realized that I have a great team!

2. Spring break:

• I missed my flight to LA. I cried and wanted to blame Him but did not because something told me that I shouldn't as everything happens for a reason. And it did! I paid an extra $150 to take the next flight to LA thanks to an angel named, Ivi, who was sent down by Him to help me! (I do not wish to bore this area by spilling the details of the events that made me miss my flight) Anyways, that incident, confirmed the theory : EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!
• I fell down while riding a bike after many years, in the streets of LA and now have a blue-black knee! hahah!
• I recorded two songs with Carishma and it was an awesome experience!!! one song is up on youtube and has been receiving good responses while the other video is up for editing and will be posted soon, I HOPE!
• Spending my days in Kj's, Renu's and Carishma's home made me feel good after 3 months of living with me,myself and I.
• I am back now in Pullman and it just snowed for 15minutes before the Sun came out immediately to melt it ALL off.

I am very tired!

Myself aside, I have been hoping matters in Japan have been changing for the betterment of their citizens! Not only does this natural disasters crush the economic development of their nation but also their self esteem! After all their hard work of building a life, it is sad to see them see their life's go away with Earth's unpredictable shakes of warning! It makes me wonder what wrong have the innocent Japanese done to deserve such an aftermath. Then I wonder what has God have in store for us, the living ones, who are left here to deal with more events like this.

And guess what? I HAVE STOPPED WONDERING! I would rather continue living like every other day than to just waste my self-esteem on thinking of dooms's day! There are many things life has got to offer. I do not see the need of wondering now! Everything happens for a reason. I have been surviving quite well with all these things. I am just sad that I have not made any effort to fix my guitar. I will do it soon and bring it with me when I go back home this summer. I will be dancing again for the International Education Week opening but this time for 15minutes. Like all the other things I do, I have no idea how I am going to succeed at this! But I couldn't care less because through out my 8 months here, I am only satisfied if I have a good climb. Whether the destination holds good or bad things for me, I don't mind at all. After all, what is life, if you expect all good things!

I was speaking to my father yesterday and we were doing the usual arguing before he shocked me with his wave of electrons! I was telling him about the way I look at matters these days. I said I will always smile at anything that happens, instilling a positive vibe in my head. Then the tsunami came! He said, "You can't always be positive, Thanges. You will get hurt and fall. Don't give me this Malaysia Boleh thing" Wow! I was stunned and told him, "WHATTTTTTTTT???? STOP IT! STOP IT WITH YOUR NEGATIVITY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" And as we all would predict, he let out his usual chuckle of defeat ( I hope). I told him if I fall, I will get up and move on lah!!! Then, thanks to Skype's awesome reputation, we had to end the conversation. I cannot wait to get back to Kampung Dhoby and give Col (Dr) Paleswaran Rajah RTD, a piece of my mind! Do all of you, adults think like this? If so, YOU ALL soooooooo need a big piece of my mind.

I do not see the reason of not moving on after anything that happens badly to myself! There are so much of things that life has got to offer and the demise of my awesome Biology lecturer at a tender age of 26, due to cancer had made me appreciate my life even more! He had a great life from the way I saw it. He was a sport during every event in INTEC and I would never have guessed his profession to be that of a teacher. But he was and a brilliant one too! I miss him a lot, even though I have not seen him in a long time.

Moving on, I am excited to start my term as ISC's president because I have finally given myself a good platform to become a leader. I am currently in pursuit of developing my ethos before I get back to Malaysia for good in 2013. I was very happy with the support from my friends and my family but only God knows of their reactions when I come back home with my ideals and ideas to make a difference. I know I have my back. That is all I need.

It is raining outside. And it is raining inside too!

Content is what I feel,

Fulfilled is what I am,

At the moment,

I am raining on the inside!

=DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

CULTURE-SHOCKED?

Unlike the last semester, time has been flying so fast that I always seem to be surprised that its Friday again. I am experiencing a culture shock at the moment. Not with America but with myself. Suddenly, I am all pumped up to finish my homework. Suddenly, I have interest in getting good grades. Suddenly, I realized that I wanted to finish my homework so badly as compared to when I was in Intec, where I would just wait for Hema or Divwya to do it and then I would just copy. Now, I wanted to do it myself! Many questioned my decision of applying to WSU when everyone else applied to Penn State, Rutgers and RIT but I wanted to prove to people that I can live without anyone's help. To be honest, I just wanted to impress people with my decision and never thought of how I would end up here being the only girl alongside 3 other guys. My first semester in Pullman tested me a lot in ways that I have never thought of and I didn't learn any lessons from them. Now Spring, on the other hand, did worse but with good side effects.

My week goes by with a 9am, 11am, 1pm and 3pm class on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and with 10am, 1pm and 4pm class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Wednesdays, however, I have a lab that goes from 7pm to 10pm. Besides that, I, now do not have internet in my apartment, so I am practically walking back home when the CUB( the place where I use the Wireless) closes at 2am. This routine has been going on for a month now and it is slowly CHANGING me! Last Thursday was the indicator. I had a take-home exam for my gender class that costs 150 points that was due on Friday, I had Genetics Quiz and Speech quiz on Friday, my written lab report (from Wednesday night) was due on Friday and to top it all off, I had my 2nd Physics Test that day. I have not started on any of those and Thursday came to me like a hurricane. I did not sleep that night and worked on my gender essay that took 12 pages. With no internet from 2am till morning, I had to manually find points from a book that we were supposed to read( i obviously didn't). Surprisingly, I managed to finish 7 out of the 8 essay questions before rushing for shower and heading to the CUB again at 7.20am. Once there, I quickly checked my points with the book's review summary on Google and completed the essay and printed a magnificent 12 page essay. I was not sleepy! (yet)

Then, I had this master plan of how the day was going to run and I FOLLOWED the way it went by dedicating the hour before each class with studying for my Physics test, finishing my lab report, reading up for my Genetics and Speech quiz and occasionally breathing if time permits. hahah!!! The weird part of all this frenzy was that I was excited! I was in the excitement of trying to complete this race by 5pm on Friday! Lord, was I happy when I finally turned in my lab in the pigeon-holed cabinets in the Physics building! PHEW!!!! A BIG PHEW PLUS A SMILE CAME ONTO MY FACE!! Then, I realized I had to go to University of Idaho for the Dance for Justice- a 9-hour dance marathon dedicated to raising money to fight human trafficking under the International Justice Mission. Thanks to Michelle and Rachel for giving me a ride there and for making me laugh so hard that I forgot about that day's fiasco! I dance and danced and watched others dance and had a good time in University of Idaho! I came back home like a zombie with no sleep for three days and knocked out on my bed till 3pm the next day( Saturday).

Hell of a week! Also, I forgot to mention that I have applied to become one of the Executives of the International Student Council and will be running for presidency. I know its a lot to handle but I will never EVER refuse a chance or opportunity that can make me a better leader. I have been leading through a lot of things in my life and out of Malaysia, I was just curious to know if I can still lead with non-Malaysians effectively. The elections is on 10th of March and hopefully all ends well. If I don't get the job, it does not mean that I am less of a leader but merely means that I am still in the process of becoming one! ISC will still see me around in their activities as you know how fast I get bored with academics! haha! I have also decreased my visits to Cjs just because I have so much of homework to finish. My arms are getting very sore in swing dancing while my knees are turning color in modern dance! ah well, everything comes with a price.

I am looking forward to this weekend because I will be in LA baby!!!!!! haaah!!!!! and the best part of that is spending time with my bestie, Carishma Menon whom I just can't wait to start my gossiping with! I have been out of the bubble for what has been happening in Malaysia because of all this drama and will get back on my political wheel, maybe in the next post! I have some weird Writing presentation and a Genetics test on Thursday with another speech on Friday before Spring Break starts. I need to get my guitar fixed so badly that I am still playing him with 5 strings ,just to get him to talk'. haha!!!! Till next week,....

Running, running and still running,

Many just look ahead,

Running, running and still running,

I smell the flower along the side and pin them on my head.

As you run and run and keep running,

Don't ever forget what's around you,

For as you run and run and keep on running,

You might lose track of the world that has given birth to you.

MY Home!

Seven months away from home and with all the emails that have been flooding my inbox about the nation's state has not been making me worried at all. You name it; interlok, the video of an indian-boy forced to say Keling-babi, the inequality that many adults feel and spit on, the Valentine's Day drama, the snakes in the cabinet that not only just hiss around but also bite you after serving their 'venom' on silver plates. Enough said. Just by writing those down, a wave of negativity just flushed down my throat. Another event just flashed in my head: people leaving to other nations despite having lived here for decades. They are frustrated, I understand. I am not.

Politics has lost its purpose and has gain many dirty names in the past decade. Politics has to serve the common good and not only the parties that will favor them. Someone told me that only politicians can make changes to the nation and asked me if did I know of anyone who is not a politician but has done change? And so I replied, "How about Citizen Nades?" And to that, he replied that that journalist is only exposing matters but how well do we know if actions are being processed to curb that matter. This got me thinking, thinking alot! Speaking out and up is one thing and creating a proper response from the person it was intended to is another thing and making that person to make PROPER action is another thing too!

Sometimes I wonder why can't we all act under the human race instead of this entity that divides us by our skin color and where our ancestors came from. In the end, we are all going to die and face God. Richard Bach said that to test whether your mission on Earth is finished; IF YOU'RE ALIVE, IT ISN'T! Then again, politics looks like a game to me; you gotta play dirty to win it. But the nation's development is not a game but an adventure. An adventure of experiments and love. For the betterment of a nation, many things should and could be done but there is ALWAYS a barrier to do good things in this country. SAD FACT! Whenever an election comes around, candidates go around the housing areas of their representing seat. They promise a better, advanced city. Totally BS when you ask me about this act of campaigning! THOSE WHO GO AROUND CAMPAIGNING THAT THEY ARE THIS AND THEY ARE THAT ARE LOSERS. Why is it that I have never seen you on TV for doing something good before? Don't give me this **** that TV only highlights main events! If you are 'brainy' enough to go door to door and beg for votes, why not show your worth without the intention of running for election the next month? Once you have COMMITTED yourself to community service for years without expecting petrol cards and free entrance for movie premieres, then you can say that you are ready for elections! As a soon-to-be voter, I DEMAND that you don't show your face in elections if you have not been known for the good deeds that you have done by EVERYONE in your city. I DEMAND to vote for the person who has no monetary interest in politics. The salary that you get, is the one that you SHALL go home with, NOTHING MORE!

I want politicians to know that everyone votes' counts especially MINE because I have great interest in the development of Malaysia. Not because I think we can do it, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WAS BORN HERE. THIS IS WHERE I BELONG. So don't go running along your pathetic bank account, asking me to go back to India or Sri Lanka BECAUSE I AM GOING NOWHERE when you are around spending my parents' money on your kids' Ben10 watches and HSM bags along with your wife's Prada and Gucci. HELL No! Thank God also that the 'papa' is out of his seat after sitting on that torn chair for the past three decades! ALL HAIL CHANGE! Never mind his contributions but I think the young guns ought to take over now. We are much more practical and united as compared to you bunch who have 1Malaysia only in your mouths. We had it even before you said it but the most important thing is we had it in our hearts that was filled with friendship and love. You bunch on the other hand, had it in your heads filled with money and position. Why!!!! Doesn't the saying 'With great power, comes great responsibility', mean ANYTHING TO YOU??

Are you even listening to us, youths? With all those emails, I have never once succumbed to its persuasion but just DELETED it whenever I sense the propaganda of a stupid few trying to spread the flu around! Too bad my belief for this country is like a cancer-spreadable and CANNOT be 'cured' with those stupid emails! If you try to further divide us with your hate notes and petitions, try harder because it AIN'T working, brotha! Many adults say that there can never be a group of friends that they had had during their time-undivided and united. Let me clarify that we DO have that in us! It's just that we are SICK and TIRED of you oldies playing the race card every time anything happens! Gosh..do you ever listen to yourselves? But then again i forgot that your cotton buds are made out of money..so I can't 'blame' you then! DO YOUR JOB FOR WHAT ITS WORTH!

I believe that we will prosper but I don't want villains in my country, especially the ones that are contributing to corruption, waste of public funds and abuse of power! Call me delusional or whatever you wanna call me because I don't give a damn. I will fight! I will! Watch out, 'uncles' and 'aunties' in the cabinet because Thanges will come!

I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naive

I'm just out to find

The better part of me

I'm more than bird

More than a plane

More than some pretty face beside a train

Its not easy

To be me.

(Superman, Five for Fighting)

BLUE

Funny how fast my thoughts change its focus.

Last Friday, the International Student Council organized a speed dating event called iConnection in conjunction with Valentine's Day. Yours truly was a volunteer in helping out with decorations and also performed Aaja Nachle to start off the event alongside the Hawaiian dance, Phillipino dance, Vietnamese dance and break dance. What I didn't mention in my earlier post was that I also signed up for the speed dating event. Not to find my Valentine but to meet people and feed my curiosity on how these things work. The dance went surprisingly well since we only practiced for three days. The speed dating started after all the performances, so I quickly got back to the seat that I was assigned too, along with all the other beautiful ladies on my side while the handsome men sat on the opposite side facing us. The game plan was that every guy would date one girl for 2-3minutes (with our emcees who were our time-keepers) and then move to the next seat once time was up. The ladies just had to sit there( Thank God..=p) We were all given this card that had rows of 'blank', 'yes' and a 'no' for which we had to fill the blank with our dates' number and circled yes or no if we would want to exchange information with that person to continue the relationship. With that info, the committee members would then match up the yes(s) and no(s) and email us the results.

10 minutes go by and I realized how fun it was for both me and my dates whom I had a good chat with. Then, the BIG moment came! After 10 minutes, I started to not only focus on my date but kept looking a the far end of the table to check whom am I going to date next. Guess who was on the next seat to my date? FERNANDO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it! Only last week I remember not focusing in class due to his appearance and personality AND now here am I seconds away from dating my Genetics TA that I had been swooning about! HAHAHAHAH! Fernando and I dated for 3 minutes and I was constantly emphasizing the moment of how weird it was that I am dating my TA. And to that he replied, "Well, I am an International student and I am single. I am your TA but I am also a person, okay..." I was awe-struck with his casual approach and started to think how was my next class with him is going to turn out: AWKWARD! We spoke about my major and how he ended up being in the US, being a Costa Rican and it ended very pleasantly! That topped everything!!!!!! You might ask if I did find anyone worthy..but let me cut you short and say that I didn't have any intentions of getting a date there and that it was just for the mere experience of it. The event ended early and I helped clean up and got a ride back home before I called up a sleepy Hema and woke her up with this piece of news!

I got up at 12.30pm on Saturday and realized I was late for something and quickly took a shower and rushed to the Smith Gym where I watched something that I am not going to say at the moment. The time will come when I am ready. So just wait! hehe! Anyways, the weekend went by with lots of facebooking, movies and skype sessions with friends and family. Then another BANG came. My finances has been taking the wrong route for the past two months thanks to Subway and Starbucks! Gotta cut down on that, I must! My informative speech is scheduled this Friday and I am in mixed feelings to enlighten my class about Thaipusam. Hopefully all goes on well! My you tube channel has also smiled back at me with 300+ views within a week and I have recently subscribed to MalaysiaKini which has gotten me pumped up about police brutality in Malaysia. If you asked my dad what I wanted to be when I was in Standard 3, he would say a policewoman. He said that because he thought I watched Gerak Khas too much that time.

Yes, Gerak Khas was the catalyst and no, nothing is real in the entertainment industry's plot when it comes to local soap operas. But since small, we have all believed that when a police station is near home, we all can sleep with smiles. Not anymore. I have been watching so many protests over youtube on Malaysians carrying banners that shout "Polis penjenayah berlesen" or "The police are criminals with a licence". What happened to justice? What happened to "police will take care of us?" I am scared! What if one fine day, the police arrests me for shoplifting and then my family have to find me four days later with bruises all over my body and also maybe even raped? I am not embarrassed to admit the truth that might happen to me. I might be too weak to kick him in his 'kingdom' to defend myself. Too weak, yes! But with all this voice in me, I know I can scream-scream the truth out.

With great power, comes great responsibility! "Police uncle, please lah, I want to balik to a safe home in 3 years time." I wanted to be policewoman. Do you know why? Because I love the feeling that Abby Abbadi and AC Mizal had when the ended each episode with pride and assurance that they can be the armor to ALL the crimes in the world! The feeling of pride of wearing that blue uniform to serve the common good! Do you know why uniforms are all in same color and pattern? Its ONLY because everyone who wears that uniform serve only one purpose and one purpose only and that is to achieve one common goal: To have a nation, that my dear Standard 3 siblings can write down in their brown exercise books with clear hearts: "Malaysia merupakan sebuah negara yang AMAN DAN DAMAI"

Can you do that for me, Mr. Police? A small request from your humble citizen, asking you to do your job right. Please! Tolong encik, hentikan semua ini. Jangan kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga. Oh wait, isn't nila, blue in color? How amusing that the resemblance in color of the 'nila' and the police uniform color were not obvious to me before? Did our ancestors foresee this issue? God only knows. Anyhow, BEAR IN MIND, many police still do behave like Abby and AC. Its just that, we, the young ones, are afraid that the 'some' of you might be lurking around in our hometowns.

Blue was my favorite color

Till you hit my brother

Blue was my favorite color

Till you touched my sister

Blue, I hope, will be my favorite color again,

Because I still do have faith in you,

As Blue rhymes with True,

I will never go away from you.

PEACE!

WeirdOMg!

Another week flew by with many weird incidents. In my Genetics tutorial class, I came across a strange thing. I couldn't focus AT ALL! Its not the difficulty level of the subject because that doesn't concern me at all but it was my TA, Fernando. He was giving out last week's quiz that I miraculously got 9.5/10 and he was also trying to remember our names. Well, let me clarify this fact that since I came to the US, no one could pronounce my name right. BUT FERNANDO DID on that day! I was shocked to hear my name after 6 months of being mispronounced! Did I also mention how handsome he was that day? Well, now you know! I have NEVER lost focus in class just because a guy seems to stand out with his good looks but that Friday........whoooooosh..i was swept away! Typical movie scene, you might say. Did also mention that he has a Spanish accent? I find myself staring at him whenever he says operon and cis-regulation and many more! HAAHAHHAHAHAHA!

I have Genetics and Physics test coming up this week and have not touched any notes thanks to my addiction to the Kollywood movie scene! Mygosh...when will I ever learn?? I also will be dancing to Aaja Nachle this Friday for Iconnections-a speed-dating event organized by the International Student Council. As for my informative speech, I will be enlightening my class about Thaipusam. Zarathustra has made me hate him today because of all the explicating that I need to do on his sermons for my Writing class! Nevertheless, I am still lazing around! GRRRR!

I did a video for my mum's birthday and got awesome responses by a lot of people. Even Nave279-my drive for all these tamil-english mash-ups-commented on my video!!! OMG!!!!! My mum cried watching it and so did my aunt. Well, lets just skip the emo parts and move on to how that video thought me something. You see, I recorded that video right before the CNY gathering by Malaysians in WSU. Then I was asked to bring my guitar to the gathering since I live only 30 sec away from the gathering location. Well, I did all the strumming and singing and awed some while other couldn't care less and guess what I realized when I returned? One of my string's knob was damaged! I knew I left it at the side somewhere while grabbing some desert. How did I know if the kids were meddling with it? I was frustrated but cooled off ten minutes later feeling grateful that I managed to record the video anyhow!

Well, when something you really love gives back love to you, it is the most awesome feeling in the whole wide world. But to ask for love when that person's heart is punctured by someone else is really a spot that you will never want to be in. So, I rather be grateful that I have received the love before and will try to fix the heart so that it can now love others as well. Confused? Me too! But its just a guitar, you might say! Its never just a guitar to Thanges-NEVER! That is why it is painful and sad that I now have to fix him. Not because I can't but because time is freaking jealous of me! I dearly hope my Red one back home is doing fine too!

Another weird incident: I never knew Telugu movies are good! Thanks to Hema for the suggestion of Magadherra! awesome screenplay and graphics! superb plot and cinematography! What a love story! I have just finished watching it and now I am wondering if Fernando would be my Bhairava.......hahahahahah!!!! Hema is going to crack is she sees this line! Anyways, it was a not-so-productive week with me postponing and procrastinating my work! Hopefully, the coming weeks will do me some justice!

Beauty is only skin deep,

Beauty lies in the eyes,

Of the beholder who cannot focus

Or even name the price

Price of what, You ask..

Wondering what I might say

Price of justice and love,You fool!

For it will never ever decay........

My DEN

What a week! It is now official that my most busiest days in the week are Thursdays and Fridays! Bummer!! Anyways, once I am done handing in my lab report at 5pm on Friday, I finally feel okay to breathe. I have already organized my Spring Break vacation! I am going to LA, California, baby!!!!!! The best part is I am bringing my boyfriend with me and that he is going to listen to my best friend, Carishma's stunning voice! I am really looking forward to play and sing along her piano that we have been doing when we were in Malaysia and now, over Skype!

My second informative speech is coming up and I am wondering what to talk about.. As for 'the best thing in life' essay, I finally sent in my 1st draft. "the best thing in life is to have a voice," I wrote. The three handsome classmates of mine gave good reviews on it saying that it was an excellent piece! Paper 2 is coming up as well and I have not started that. Well, I just came to realize that I love music. Jokes aside. "Who doesn't?" you might say but for the past week, I have been walking, studying, blogging with more fire and ice when I am listening to music.

Valentine's Day is two weeks away and I wonder if I will have a Valentine this year. However, I know I will have a constant Valentine every year, by the name, Usha Kethurajah. She is turning 50 this 6th February and it hurts to not be by her side shouting and screaming at her at the top of my voice by not doing the house chores. I love you, ma! Thank you for being my mum for the past two decade of your 5-decade life and continuing!

I might be dancing again! Hindi songs obviously!!! Suddenly I am missing Varnisha, my cousin whom I prefer to go as 'my other half'. She is now giving me suggestions on what to do with my hair. How astonishing is that this 15 year old lady can make me feel so happy despite just listening to her bubbly voice over the phone, 5 minutes ago. I miss you, Var! I hope you have a good break!

The internet connection in my apartment has turned its back on me. I have been staying up in uni and going back home just to sleep. I have decided to continue doing this because I can reduce my electricity usage this way! Spending my time alone in this place that I call 'my den', I feel that I have finally started doing what I came to the USA for! I have been reaching out to myself a lot! I have been finding myself....searching..and searching.....I have not found anything yet but I am liking this research alot! I know I am on a road to somewhere but as always, its the climb that have always mattered to me and not the destination. Along this road, I have met so many new things, new emotions, new humans and a new God-one that now I know hears out to me!

I close my eyes and picture home,

I close my eyes and picture my boyfriend,

I close my eyes and picture my family and friends,

I close my eyes and picture God,

I close my eyes and picture dancing,

And then I realize that I can even picture all of these with my eyes open

Because it is not a dream.

for real????

Nowadays, I think I look forward to the weekends just because of this space here. Its a good thing I believe since this semester has gotten me running on the empty aisle in Walmart in fear of time. This semester I wished a day had 25 hours instead. This week Spring showed me the actual routine that I will be going through for the next 4 months. Its good that I am loving this moments of trying to find a time to breathe because I tend to forget that I have got to, sometimes.

I have signed up more community service programs now and I feel that I will learn more in this semester. The internet at my apartment has been screwing up for the past week and I am now in the campus lounge, watching people pass by while listening to youtube. I left my apartment at 2pm and the weather was wonderful; sunny and breezy! It reminded me of the Saturday evenings in Malaysia when appa will try to force the family to jog with him in the park. I love playing my RM93.90 red guitar under my mango tree while swaying in the metallic swing where Bozo occasionally comes and sits under to listen to me, I hope! Well, my guitar has been helping me a lot this week despite it being out of tune. Music is indeed frozen architecture!

Another thing that I have been falling in and out of ......is love. Love for books, nature, food, friends, family, and certain other 'matters of life'. By looking at the creators of this scribe, I wonder how a relationship is even possible. The song 'Just the way you are' is the reason of this dilemma, thanks to youtube .I am now wondering; can anyone be amazing just the way they are? What happened to people loving their partner in hope of the latter changing in the future? Ah well, its not a national issue that I am going to waste my time even considering to answer that question. I just had a sudden thought.

As this journey bounces off the hills,

make sure you know the meaning of perfection

because once you tend to mix it up with others' definition of it,

UR DEAD!

Mirror-ed

Do you know that breeze that comes when you walk along PD beach? That cold, nice string of wind that brushes off your hair that was covering your face under the hot, glistening Sun? Well, I know it too well that when the icy,cold wind of Pullman attacked me, I had a quick thought of PD beach! I miss the beach too much now. It always listened to me, listening to her. It always gave me back appropriate answers when I suddenly asked them out of the blue. She answers back with waves that often cool off my burning feet.

First week of school went fairly well with more reasons to smile. I received wonderful comments from Dr. Gail Miller after my first speech in Public Speaking class. I started speaking out in my Writing class. I also had an paper to hand in at the end of my semester in that class, by the title ' The best things in life'. I am pretty excited on that one. Physics, again, had me intrigued with its magnificent electromagnetism. What's more, my Genetics class had me use the iclicker for the first time, despite getting 4 out of 5 questions wrong. My first assignment in my Women Studies class had me writing the reasons I was there in WSU. And my dance classes, was the usual-awesome.

I have also been cooking and experimenting with food items. Fish sambal and potato varuval was what I ended up on one day. Divwya was on the phone telling me what to do to complete the potato gallore that took my tongue by surprise when I was at her place during winter break. We sounded like housewives over the phone. The conversation would be complete if we both started gossiping about tamil TV serials!!! What a laugh, we both had!

Its Martin Luther King Day today and I volunteered for a community service project under the Centre for Civic Engagement (CCE) as part of my Public Speaking class. We sorted out food items for 3 hours into their respective categories like pasta, potatoes, vegetables, tuna and the lot! There were so much of food out there and some were kind enough to donate it to the Pullman food bank. However, there were some idiots who gave expired products, USED PRODUCTS and the like. A friend of mine came across a few peanut-butter jars that had finger strokes in them. EWWW!!! Once we were done sorting, we had a reflection session and I felt that it told me what I actually felt throughout that 3 hours.

I might be heading back home this summer. A thought that I never had before. Now, everything seems brighter with the thought of home-MALAYSIA! Everything taste a lot more sweeter just because it was not an expected decision. Well, life is full of surprises when you don't expect anything at all. The thought of stepping foot in my land made me smile even more. I am not missing my family just because they are always in touch! But getting caught up in this rat race of my education, I tend to loose the grip from home. Not because I think its better here but its because I keep my self occupied so that I wouldn't miss Malaysia as much!

There are 2 holes in myself at the moment; one in my pocket,thanks to an awesome winter break and another in my brain as I feel like I am losing focus due to this sudden piece of decision. Anyways, as I always end up saying, I will live my live for the moment that is passing now and not for the ones that are coming because they might end up getting stuck in the traffic signals of my life. It is a good thing to look forward too but matters of the current are better of handled first since I have a degree in the Bachelor of Digression and Procrastination for the past 20 years.

This week has certainly made me reflect on a lot of things!

When the mirror is turned to me,

What do I see?

A lady made of courage and wisdom,

Who is staring back at me.

I will aspire to be,

That lady in that mirror,

For if the mirror cracks,

She will still be there,

Because I got her back!

the tenth day of the 1st month!

I just read my last post and realized how many grammatical and spelling errors that 'beautified' my 'essay'. Clearly, I have so much to work on this semester!!!!

I just finished my 1st day of Spring semester and I already feel left behind!

9.10: Women Studies Class ( already had our 1st assignment and a hell load of reading material)

11.10: Modern dance ( had to get more sweat pants as my instructor said jeans is a no-no)

13.10: Public Speaking ( I HAVE TO GIVE A SPEECH ON A CLASSMATE IN THE FOLLOWING CLASS (worth 10points))

15.10: Physics ( couldn't understand my lecturer's speech as she was from the middle-eastern region)

The main question I would like to ask myself is: Why is this all bothering me????

no!!!! more like: Why shouldn't it bother me???

1.I have read a lot before and do love reading!

2.Dance is another way of breathing to me.

3.Speeches are some of the things my peers say that I am natural at due to my sudden wisdom on matters.

4. I love Physics!

After much thought, maybe this 5 months away from Malaysia, particularly, INTEC, has made me complacent with my solidarity here in Pullman! I needed to get back to the loud person that INTEC had made me! I need to get back to the awesome multi-tasker that my family was proud about!

Tomorrow,

10am plus: Genetics( my 1st bio subject that i yearn to score in)

1pm plus: Introductory Writing (Finally, something for beginners!)

3.10: ADVANCED SOCIAL DANCE, BABY!!!!!!!! ( what a way to end the day|||| n btw, i didn't sign up for this class..and my instructor says that it is fine with him)

Despite just finishing my speech outline, I still feel out of place, not knowing whether to dress formally or not!!! ah...to the hell with that!

its -13 celsius outside and forecast says its gonna get worse tonight! Hold on tight people!!!!!!!!!!! The blizzard is back AND SO IS THANGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hah!

5 months in the United States has made me and broke me at certain spots of life's polka dots. I had an awesome winter break on the other side of the States; Washington DC and New Jersey and New York. I had a blast during New Year's eve with awesome people I call friends who lived in New Jersey. I met new cousins at Washington DC and ate heart meals thanks to Aunty Indra and Uncle Param who were nice enough to let me stay there despite their sons' returns from respective schools. In short, I had a blast! Good time, good food and an extreme lot of money spent that has made me rethink my Spring budgets.

I had a dream when i woke up this morning. In that dream, I was very sleepy that my friend, Hema kept me company throughout the train journey. Then finally, I was shaken up by dear sleepy Hema because we have arrived at the last station and she left immediately as I saw her sister Priya waiting in a brown-orangey Punjabi suit at the other side of the platform. An old Indian lady asked me if it was my bags that were under the seats because she had hers behind mine. I replied with a nod and wen after my bags before helping her with hers. Then i realized i had my winter jacket on the floor of the train. I picked that up while realizing the train was empty and the door was about to close! As i was going to slit my foot through the door, it closed! I watch the station go by and realized it was the seremban KTM station. How on earth did I end up here from Pullman ,WA?

Without much thought, i tried to shout to stop the train and amazingly it did. Not because i shouted but because the train actually move a little further to hit the end of the track. Then the door opened and I stormed out with my bags whilst looking up to the 'ttr' who oddly was dressed like I was; in a light blue shirt and dark blue pants! Oh wait..i dressed like him! Anyways..I WOKE UP!

Why was Hema in that dream? Why KTM? What's with the same outfit? Was I longing for my old life? Old life? What? Do I have a new one now?

Digression, my true degree in life! Anyways, I hope I have become more independent and myself along all this race towards academic excellence. I did get a D+ for my organic chemistry. I am done talking about the bitter past when I have more interesting subjects this coming semester. Genetics, Physics, English, Women Studies, Public Speaking, Women Studies, Modern Dance and Advanced Social Dance! WALLLAA! I bet time is going to be so jealous of me this coming semester.

When times comes to hit the deck,

You make most of the remaining time left by thinking,

Thinking what waits for you tomorrow,

But little did you know,

What is waiting for you,

Has already been pre-planned by Him up there!