for real????

Nowadays, I think I look forward to the weekends just because of this space here. Its a good thing I believe since this semester has gotten me running on the empty aisle in Walmart in fear of time. This semester I wished a day had 25 hours instead. This week Spring showed me the actual routine that I will be going through for the next 4 months. Its good that I am loving this moments of trying to find a time to breathe because I tend to forget that I have got to, sometimes.

I have signed up more community service programs now and I feel that I will learn more in this semester. The internet at my apartment has been screwing up for the past week and I am now in the campus lounge, watching people pass by while listening to youtube. I left my apartment at 2pm and the weather was wonderful; sunny and breezy! It reminded me of the Saturday evenings in Malaysia when appa will try to force the family to jog with him in the park. I love playing my RM93.90 red guitar under my mango tree while swaying in the metallic swing where Bozo occasionally comes and sits under to listen to me, I hope! Well, my guitar has been helping me a lot this week despite it being out of tune. Music is indeed frozen architecture!

Another thing that I have been falling in and out of ......is love. Love for books, nature, food, friends, family, and certain other 'matters of life'. By looking at the creators of this scribe, I wonder how a relationship is even possible. The song 'Just the way you are' is the reason of this dilemma, thanks to youtube .I am now wondering; can anyone be amazing just the way they are? What happened to people loving their partner in hope of the latter changing in the future? Ah well, its not a national issue that I am going to waste my time even considering to answer that question. I just had a sudden thought.

As this journey bounces off the hills,

make sure you know the meaning of perfection

because once you tend to mix it up with others' definition of it,

UR DEAD!

Mirror-ed

Do you know that breeze that comes when you walk along PD beach? That cold, nice string of wind that brushes off your hair that was covering your face under the hot, glistening Sun? Well, I know it too well that when the icy,cold wind of Pullman attacked me, I had a quick thought of PD beach! I miss the beach too much now. It always listened to me, listening to her. It always gave me back appropriate answers when I suddenly asked them out of the blue. She answers back with waves that often cool off my burning feet.

First week of school went fairly well with more reasons to smile. I received wonderful comments from Dr. Gail Miller after my first speech in Public Speaking class. I started speaking out in my Writing class. I also had an paper to hand in at the end of my semester in that class, by the title ' The best things in life'. I am pretty excited on that one. Physics, again, had me intrigued with its magnificent electromagnetism. What's more, my Genetics class had me use the iclicker for the first time, despite getting 4 out of 5 questions wrong. My first assignment in my Women Studies class had me writing the reasons I was there in WSU. And my dance classes, was the usual-awesome.

I have also been cooking and experimenting with food items. Fish sambal and potato varuval was what I ended up on one day. Divwya was on the phone telling me what to do to complete the potato gallore that took my tongue by surprise when I was at her place during winter break. We sounded like housewives over the phone. The conversation would be complete if we both started gossiping about tamil TV serials!!! What a laugh, we both had!

Its Martin Luther King Day today and I volunteered for a community service project under the Centre for Civic Engagement (CCE) as part of my Public Speaking class. We sorted out food items for 3 hours into their respective categories like pasta, potatoes, vegetables, tuna and the lot! There were so much of food out there and some were kind enough to donate it to the Pullman food bank. However, there were some idiots who gave expired products, USED PRODUCTS and the like. A friend of mine came across a few peanut-butter jars that had finger strokes in them. EWWW!!! Once we were done sorting, we had a reflection session and I felt that it told me what I actually felt throughout that 3 hours.

I might be heading back home this summer. A thought that I never had before. Now, everything seems brighter with the thought of home-MALAYSIA! Everything taste a lot more sweeter just because it was not an expected decision. Well, life is full of surprises when you don't expect anything at all. The thought of stepping foot in my land made me smile even more. I am not missing my family just because they are always in touch! But getting caught up in this rat race of my education, I tend to loose the grip from home. Not because I think its better here but its because I keep my self occupied so that I wouldn't miss Malaysia as much!

There are 2 holes in myself at the moment; one in my pocket,thanks to an awesome winter break and another in my brain as I feel like I am losing focus due to this sudden piece of decision. Anyways, as I always end up saying, I will live my live for the moment that is passing now and not for the ones that are coming because they might end up getting stuck in the traffic signals of my life. It is a good thing to look forward too but matters of the current are better of handled first since I have a degree in the Bachelor of Digression and Procrastination for the past 20 years.

This week has certainly made me reflect on a lot of things!

When the mirror is turned to me,

What do I see?

A lady made of courage and wisdom,

Who is staring back at me.

I will aspire to be,

That lady in that mirror,

For if the mirror cracks,

She will still be there,

Because I got her back!

the tenth day of the 1st month!

I just read my last post and realized how many grammatical and spelling errors that 'beautified' my 'essay'. Clearly, I have so much to work on this semester!!!!

I just finished my 1st day of Spring semester and I already feel left behind!

9.10: Women Studies Class ( already had our 1st assignment and a hell load of reading material)

11.10: Modern dance ( had to get more sweat pants as my instructor said jeans is a no-no)

13.10: Public Speaking ( I HAVE TO GIVE A SPEECH ON A CLASSMATE IN THE FOLLOWING CLASS (worth 10points))

15.10: Physics ( couldn't understand my lecturer's speech as she was from the middle-eastern region)

The main question I would like to ask myself is: Why is this all bothering me????

no!!!! more like: Why shouldn't it bother me???

1.I have read a lot before and do love reading!

2.Dance is another way of breathing to me.

3.Speeches are some of the things my peers say that I am natural at due to my sudden wisdom on matters.

4. I love Physics!

After much thought, maybe this 5 months away from Malaysia, particularly, INTEC, has made me complacent with my solidarity here in Pullman! I needed to get back to the loud person that INTEC had made me! I need to get back to the awesome multi-tasker that my family was proud about!

Tomorrow,

10am plus: Genetics( my 1st bio subject that i yearn to score in)

1pm plus: Introductory Writing (Finally, something for beginners!)

3.10: ADVANCED SOCIAL DANCE, BABY!!!!!!!! ( what a way to end the day|||| n btw, i didn't sign up for this class..and my instructor says that it is fine with him)

Despite just finishing my speech outline, I still feel out of place, not knowing whether to dress formally or not!!! ah...to the hell with that!

its -13 celsius outside and forecast says its gonna get worse tonight! Hold on tight people!!!!!!!!!!! The blizzard is back AND SO IS THANGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hah!

5 months in the United States has made me and broke me at certain spots of life's polka dots. I had an awesome winter break on the other side of the States; Washington DC and New Jersey and New York. I had a blast during New Year's eve with awesome people I call friends who lived in New Jersey. I met new cousins at Washington DC and ate heart meals thanks to Aunty Indra and Uncle Param who were nice enough to let me stay there despite their sons' returns from respective schools. In short, I had a blast! Good time, good food and an extreme lot of money spent that has made me rethink my Spring budgets.

I had a dream when i woke up this morning. In that dream, I was very sleepy that my friend, Hema kept me company throughout the train journey. Then finally, I was shaken up by dear sleepy Hema because we have arrived at the last station and she left immediately as I saw her sister Priya waiting in a brown-orangey Punjabi suit at the other side of the platform. An old Indian lady asked me if it was my bags that were under the seats because she had hers behind mine. I replied with a nod and wen after my bags before helping her with hers. Then i realized i had my winter jacket on the floor of the train. I picked that up while realizing the train was empty and the door was about to close! As i was going to slit my foot through the door, it closed! I watch the station go by and realized it was the seremban KTM station. How on earth did I end up here from Pullman ,WA?

Without much thought, i tried to shout to stop the train and amazingly it did. Not because i shouted but because the train actually move a little further to hit the end of the track. Then the door opened and I stormed out with my bags whilst looking up to the 'ttr' who oddly was dressed like I was; in a light blue shirt and dark blue pants! Oh wait..i dressed like him! Anyways..I WOKE UP!

Why was Hema in that dream? Why KTM? What's with the same outfit? Was I longing for my old life? Old life? What? Do I have a new one now?

Digression, my true degree in life! Anyways, I hope I have become more independent and myself along all this race towards academic excellence. I did get a D+ for my organic chemistry. I am done talking about the bitter past when I have more interesting subjects this coming semester. Genetics, Physics, English, Women Studies, Public Speaking, Women Studies, Modern Dance and Advanced Social Dance! WALLLAA! I bet time is going to be so jealous of me this coming semester.

When times comes to hit the deck,

You make most of the remaining time left by thinking,

Thinking what waits for you tomorrow,

But little did you know,

What is waiting for you,

Has already been pre-planned by Him up there!

LAVA

Knowing what I know now,

I feel terribly insecure.

I cannot say.

My freedom is blocked.

My eyes are closed,

tightly, in fact.

Still no answer,

From me.

How long more should I say dormant,

for a volcano may erupt anytime.

Darn, IT JUST DID!!!!!!!

this is real, this is me!

Regrets! I hate regretting my decisions, especially if I thought that this was one of the decisions where I have finally proved that i had guts!

Now here I am, treating the wound of the boomerang that has been hitting me since the 28th of November!!! Why a boomerang??!!! Ah well, if it isn't dear Ms. Thanges complaining again!

I wish i hadn't confessed! It was a relief when i did but now that the distance we had when you were leaving was so far, I have now come to believe what a stupid mistake i have made.

Why was it a mistake?

1. Because i was merely keeping up with the Joneses

2. Because it thought i,too, had something going on in my heart.

3. Because i saw no one else that i thought was serious enough\

4. Because i thought that i loved him. ( i cant believe i just wrote that)

5. Because i wanted to be different.

6. Because I WAS NOT MYSELF(clearly!!)

7. Because it is one mistake that i cannot mend.

So, what happens now??

I am going to be me! No more lies, no more cover ups, no more trying-to-be -someone-i'm-not. I AM NOT GOING TO CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME! I AM GOING TO HAVE FUN WITH MY FAMILY AND MY TRUE FRIENDS!!!!!

wooooooohooooooo!!! now that felt good!!

before i leave,:::

lame is what i used to be,

now i shall not become,

game is what i intend to see,

now i am gonna play, so here i come!!!!!

broken roads, pot holes, dangerous corners,
are all the hurdles one has to encounter when they are at the roads.
so, is life...
with it's dissatisfactions, failures and problems..

i am not yet wise,
but i dare say that the better part of my college life has been full of opportunities in disguise

most people tend to spell their problem as P.R.O.B.L.E.M but I spell problems as O.P.P.O.R.T.U.N.I.T.Y!!!

i know i am not yet wise,
but yet i can see how pathetic most people are when it comes to their problems..
why do they AVOID it??

i know i am not yet wise
but why cant they just FACE their bloody problem, rather than complaining it to people that happen to be passing their way!!

i know i am not yet wise,
yet i still have the guts to question these matters
although i do face the same terror in facing ur own problems

the worst part is when i knows my fears and flaws clearly and enticingly well
but fails to work on it!!

then, it came to a point where i saw myself as a hypocrite!
then, i realized the consequences of taking no actions to my problem
then, i realized what i had been missing out on for all this time...
then, i realized that I HAD TO DO SOMETHING!!

the first thing was to change my perception towards my problems and that is why i spelt problems differently.

but that did not fix it yet...
i had lots to do....

i had to smile and regenerate my spirit when i looked at my failures which are like my bread and butter at most times.

i had to find the energy to restrain from all possible distractions that can reassign my track
i had to regain the composure i once had when i reacted to major problems
i had to disregard the opinions of others
so that i am myself
so that i have my own identity
so that i wont be stereotyped
so that i can live by own rules and conditions!!!

yet i tried again and again..
my results still let me down...

WILL
So simple this 4-letter word may sound
but the strength in this word is certainly undeniable

when there's a will. there's a way..

SO TRUE...

therefore, before i started doing anything, i asked myself: ARE YOU UP 4 IT???

and of course, it answered with the right voice that is YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
since then, when a problem came up, i always got excited for the fact that, i am going to improve and reinforce my faiths and skills by FACING MY FEARS!!!!!!!