Stargazing with gratitude.

The interesting thing about life is that one moment you can be as positive as a child with a cookie and the very next, have that cookie taken away from you.

This happens when we give credit and attention to all that happens around us. I did so too, until today when I started paying attention to how i stuttered.

I was teased during my younger days. If  it was not for my role of being a prefect in school, i would have drowned in self-pity, and would never have came this far. 

To all parents reading this, 

Your children are watching you. They take after you. That is a given. 

But please watch them too, especially cues on speech and auditory abilities. 

I think i was lucky to have the nerve that i did when i enrolled for a public speaking contest at school without any preparation. I was only thinking about how this is my one shot to get over my fear of public speaking. The paper i held was drenched in sweat as i read from it. My knees started wobbling. I looked up occasionally, making eye contact with the distant floor. I was not aiming for a prize. At the tender age of 15, I had no idea where this nerve came from and i think a future self gave me that push. 

I still stutter now but i dont give it much attention. Singing became my expression tool then. Now the singing has ceased and the talking has gone beyond words and beyond thought. 

I feel the need to be a circumspect now. To be wary. To say good and wise things, even if it comes out as a stutter. 

Because what matters is not how you say but what you say. 

As I type this, I have moderated sessions, emce-ed regional and international programmes, gave speeches on different platforms, etc. I'm yet to do it well but from where i came from, i have made so much progress.

 I am 29 this year and I look back at my 15 year old self, stargazing with gratitude.

Keep Calm & discuss.

Marina Mahathir in her article wrote, "The trouble with silence is that nobody knows what it means, so we can only make up reasons."

So much is meant when you leave things unsaid. Because then the masses have this 'criminal' act of assuming what they do not understand and what they never want to understand. Yes, assumptions can take you places but finding the truth or at least explanations to what might be true can take you to greater heights.

Assuming makes you make sense of things at that moment of time but don't tell me you never want to find out for real why apples are not oranges ?

Why is going on a quest for truth such a frowned upon act in this country ? Well at least in my fraction of the country where all future policy makers are in the making.

I have noticed that there seems to be this air of negativity circulating the idea of searching for the greater purpose on your own. It is as if you are dismissing every single thing you have known thus far in search of this truth.

And to some, the only way truth can be gained is when self-proclaimed experts run along your way advocating their concern for your ignorance and thus see the need to be the source of sometimes ill-advised information.

Then when are you actually allowed to have a mind of your own ?

Don't belittle a curious mind la...

Give them a pat on their back their initiative to look for truth. The brain deserves that respect. Don't just blindly feed it with information and force them to accept it. Don't take a way the voice out of their opinions.

"What is it about us that we can’t take anything just for what it is? Why does everything have to be a conspiracy theory of some kind? Apparently we Asians (and Arabs and probably Africans too) are incapable of ever thinking for ourselves and therefore if we ever demand things like freedom of speech and other basic democratic freedom, we must surely be manipulated by someone else. Never mind that we once fought for our independence without anyone else putting the idea in our heads.

It is a patronising and condescending, not to mention racist, attitude about our own kind. And it is really the upshot of an education system that is geared towards keeping our minds small, and an environment jail. that downgrades science and scientific fact in favour of superstition, rumours, whims and gossip.

Somehow, using our brains has fallen into disfavour, while the wackiest ideas spread like wildfire."

(A ‘cult of unthinking’ is spreading By Marina Mahathir)

No one is manipulating anybody. You can calm down now. The act of questioning one's faith/opinion/theory/whatever shouldn't give you a one-way ticket to Azkaban.

Another interesting I realized is that this sudden rush of emotions that surfaces whenever a person's opinion doesn't rhyme with mine or whoever John Doe is talking to. Just because I question something you didn't plan I had questions for or something that people don't ask out openly, one shouldn't jump into conclusions right away about the nature of the question. You go on to tackle the person and not his question and before we know it, we are already en route to discussing another issue that has no connection to the one worth discussing.

Keep calm and discuss.

Penat lah. Here I am trying to understand the gravity of the issue but then it ends up being run over and over time, avoided and forgotten.

Be open to criticism. Be open enough and give yourself room to look for information. Don't be blinded by the majority that enjoys the silence just because it creates less havoc than speaking up.

"Stand up for what you believe in even if it means standing alone."

Don't be cajoled by the mere attraction of being accepted by the masses. Instead be enticed by how your unique thoughts are actually yours and that you are making that effort to be more informed.

"Information can tell us everything. It has all the answers. But they are answers to questions we have not asked, and which doubtless don't even arise."

Jean Baudrillard

I call out all you artists out there to take up this challenge, only if you care.

Before I even post a cover online, I think many times whether or not it should go online. What's more, when it comes to my own work, I go over that decision more than a thousand times. All of this because the online world is not the same anymore. It is a cyberpublic. It's like when you think a thousand times before you choose an outfit to wear before you go out. Yes, there is the argument that some just wear whatever they are comfortable with or what is on the top of their pile of clothes. Sure that works too but we have come to a time where you are what you wear. Well at least, that is what I have come to think now, not that I apply it all the time.

Going back to music, I literally do go over my own work so many times because I see this responsibility to be one of importance. Not because it is going to reflect me but because people are going to listen to it. I practically have the responsibility to give an above average product. My parents are going to listen to it, my family, my friends, my Facebook connections, the baby boomers, the echo boomers, the Gen X, the very awesome Gen Y and the rest of the cyberpublic. So yeah, it does matter even though they would never actually click on it. But what if they do ? Whether or not the content agrees with them is secondary but the way the content is presented is what pushes my button. The art of presenting the message you wish to convey at that right degree is what boggles my thought process.

And then.... I see clowns with their half baked products. Like seriously, what were you thinking  ? You have all the avenues in terms of resources to come up with a real good product but in the midst of all the excitement, you forget you have this responsibility to the public. I put myself first as a listener when I listen back to my work, then after that only as the creator of the product.

My wonder is that you have so much money to do a song, why does it always have to be on love, break up, how-another-person-trashed-you-and-that-you're-actually-much-better-than-them, nights at the club, how a certain girl is everything in your life etc. You are an agent to tell your listeners a message, why not highlight issues that need awareness? Public transport, education, civic consciousness, healthy eating habits, filial piety and so much more. You have the gift of having so many people who follow your updates on social media, the resources to come up with good picture quality videos, the connection with media agents like radio, TV and the likes, then why not use that to highlight these causes ?

Music for me isn't about the glitz and glamor of the industry. It's about being a medium to convey a message when you can and touching people with the message.

I cannot dismiss the fact that there are songs in the local discography that do blanket  some of these themes, and I thank the team and the artist for their move but we need more. 

Corporate social responsibility or fondly known as CSR is something common in the corporate sector. Being a future policy maker in this country, along with the many other important issues like education and more, I believe this would be something I would definitely implement which is on a lighter note. Audio visual social responsibility among artists in Malaysia. Yes it is petty compared to bigger issues this country has been facing but this policy is one where I feel can encourage artists to be a driving force for an issue to reach the people or the other way around.

I call out all you artists out there to take up this challenge, only if you care, to write a song on a social issue that you deem is important to be addressed. Is that too much to ask, my dear Manin Mainthargals ? Just a small request from an avid listener of the local music scene. #2cents

And, its okay if you don't take up this challenge (like...who am I to dictate your music kan ? ;) ) but do keep that audio visual social responsibility at the back of head whenever you come up with a song aite. 

"My heart's a stereo

It beats for you, so listen close

Hear my thoughts in every note"

;)

I'm on the path of Glory! ;)

It has been a while since  I last wrote. Ah well..a lot of things have happened between the time when I last wrote and now. 

This is my first time experiencing Summer in Amerika (yes, the 'k' is on purpose). I can't say the same about the weather though since it even snowed on May 2nd. Nevertheless, this semester has proven to be very thought-provoking and productive than I ever expected. Nine credits is no joke during summer semester. All three classes are my core Bio classes that I initially thought would screw up my summer. I was so wrong.

Have you ever underestimated yourself to a point where complacency becomes the strong foundation of your mediocre achievements? You think you can do it and as the task at hand draws closer in time, the passion or interest to do well, slowly and silently starts fading away. Your motivation that you can once do it now turns into "Well, at least I tried." But you know you were not even close to trying enough. 

Then the moment of revelation kicks in. When you realize you might as well, learn something for the pure reason of increasing your knowledge than to score in exams. I have always knew this fact but always thought it was my way of inviting complacency to dinner. Education, I believe, is destroyed when exams come into play. Too bold of a statement, eh? Fuck it. 

I, for one, do not see the point in scoring well for exams when you don't even know what you are learning or more importantly, what are you learning for! If you want create an education system that molds the best brains and make them compete, might as well tie leaches on them and put them in a horse race. Education is about going beyond what you already know. When you are fed with information, you tend to store it in your brain for the most opportune moment----THE EXAM! Ape kes lah wei...seriously!?

You might think this post is a post-exam kolaveri that I am going through after getting bad grades for a recent exam. You might think I am being ridiculous and I know I am. But guess what.. I dont think I am going to care about what you think. lol..i wish i could sound more polite with that last sentence but that is just how it is lah wei! haha...

Truth is, I just scored an awesome score for an exam that I barely studied for. (There she goes boasting). It was freaking Microbiology and not studying is a definite No-No for many of my peers but that is what happened to me. This class is one of my most interesting classes ever. Only because it made me learn so many new things. Let me clarify that it did not require much attention on my part...BUT just curiosity. Curiosity was the main reason I listened in class. I wanted to know why what happened when and where. Pure curiosity is what drove me in that class. Trust me when I say I am no budak pandai (intelligent person) and my mother can confirm that with an official seal by adding that I am only very good in talking..ah well..at least I did inherit something from her.. hehe.

I believe when it comes to an exam, studying a day before to memorize facts and numbers can only take you so far but listening in class and asking the right questions(or even stupid ones) to quench your curiosity will and can take you further in your learning journey....or exams (if that is what you still want to root for). You have the right to what you learn. You decide what you want to clarify. You decide if you want to continue reading that same bloody page or turn to the next.

Be true to yourself. Make sure you know what you're reading. Your brain deserves that respect from you for making you avoid life-threatening instances like when your hand voluntarily withdraws when in contact with something hot or sharp. By skimming and flipping through pictures, you are doing no justice to yourself. Coming back to the issue of exams, I, of course, do get the fact that we need qualified professionals with good grades to take over an organization but the sad fact is that the purpose to educate has fused with the purpose of gaining money. Ah well...then again..money is everything.

Gotcha! lol... I speak for myself here when I say money is everything but is also NOT everything. In this rat race, everybody is losing their individuality...what values to them most..things like that.It is again depressing to see what students nowadays value are a certificate full of As, a trophy, a new gadget and the like. What happened to the idea of coming to school as a clean slate to fulfill your purpose in life? When I say purpose, don't think I'm referring to the norm of grades, job, family... but more of the purpose of finding and creating yourself to fulfill God's mission that has been bestowed on you. 

Enough with the sneering. I know I am no sage but I believe everyone on this Earth is here for a reason. Until you finish that mission, you will still be alive. This might hurt many parents who want to see their child do big things and get big bucks but they should know that they might be depriving a a child of their life's purpose. Here, I would like to thank my parents for giving me the freedom (with conditions) and criticisms to let me find my own path of glory..hahah...sounds a bit too far-fetched eh...but I cannot think of a better word than glory folks! hehe.. 

True enough, I might be on the wrong path...who knows..but at least I am making full use of this journey via education. Learning about simple things like manners, courtesy, the precision needed to use a Pipette, what does Clostridium tetani do, how to beat my mum at her chicken curry and the the like. All this simple things not only create moments in our lives  but memories that we can come back to. 10 years from now, I don't want to say anything that indicates regret because the moment has already past and there's no point whining about it,sistahh!

Look at me now. What did I start talking about and where am I now? lol..digression..my biggest asset. Ah yes, education. This is just some of the things that I am going to always rant about because I doubt change is around the corner for ideas like this. I am just going to continue doing what I do best..learning while trying to inspire others to follow their paths of glory..Hey you may never know, we might cross each others' paths at some point in time...!

So until that happens, I'll see ya around then!!

...................................................................................................................

what you say 

what you know

did it all make you grow

wait a while and think it slow

change is sure going to follow.

Nalla irre!

ps: thanks to  Jasina, Hema & Divwya for having faith in my abilities. <3

Superhuman

Sometimes I wonder what keeps me going. Really. I have been pushing myself to use more than 10 % of my brain since this American experience dawned on me. It has been really rewarding to see and learn my potentials and realize that I am no superhuman. BUT since two years ago, I have realized that becoming superhuman takes practice.

I am a superhuman now.

But then again, my definition of superhuman might differ or vary from yours. To me, being superhuman is about accepting your strengths and rising potentials while acknowledging the many flaws that one has with the passion of improving it to a better state. To do this, I am not afraid of falling down because I know I have the courage and patience to pick myself up. being superhuman to me is also about living for yourself by living for others. I want to be there for everyone I love when they need me or need help in general or just BE THERE. My two hugest assets in life are my familiy and friends. We cannot chose family but I turn out to have an awesome one. Friends..well...they rock my world. Well, that is my definition of being superhuman.

You see, many people find different things that matters to them. One man's meat is another man's poison, they say. Very true. Until you find what truly makes you happy, you will never be satisfied with life. But to find what makes you happy is the essence of the superhuman journey. I am still discovering the many things in life that make me happy and this journey is never over until my last breath leaves my body. That is the best part I feel. There is so much more waiting for me out there; good and bad; they both make me. If they break me, I will find new wings to get up and fly again. It is easier said than done, I know. But try practicing what you preach, and it can be easy one way or the other.

Always keep your options open. When you close your mind to one path, how would you ever notice the crack on the side door that holds a whole new world? If you only notice, all the answers are actually out there, you just have to remember to open your heart and mind along with your eyes. At this very moment, I am supposed to be studying for an exam and starting a paper that is due tomorrow but all this revelation of the superhuman journey that i am experiencing is forcing me to make this moment count by documenting my emotions on mr.spidey's "saliva". Exams, papers, they come and go but moments they never come back.

so..

MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT.


Procrastination is my middle name
that i seldom realize
but the clock is now ticking
the remaining time will surely suffice

Yellow

I am back home. Malaysia has kept me well-rounded and fulfilled with all its treasures and unpleasantness. I feel very belonged to something here. With 31 August approaching very progressively, I cannot help but embrace this feeling.

Meeting old and new family members was the best part so far. Old relatives seemed to have never changed and new relatives are more approachable now than I would ever imagine. The old ones are bubbly, load, concern and loving. They made me feel like I never actually left. The new relatives, are labeled as such because I actually knew they existed but nothing sparked between us to fuel the flames of these relationships. Anyways..to keep up with the parallelism of the earlier matter, I shall say that the new relatives made me feel like I truly have something to come back home to! Maybe it is the fact that I have just turned 21 in May and people are starting to take me seriously.

Nevertheless, life has got to go on being Thanges. The series of political events happening in Malaysia this summer has certainly got most eyes penned on my Facebook profile. Like I have always told many people, expression is what I believe to be the right of every human being. I sing. I dance. I act. I write. I post statements on my page almost everyday. I enjoy it. Expression is the best fire that I have in me. I love to savour every moment that I have, not caring for the people who think I shouldn't do this and that or I should have said this and that. A simple presentation during my Contemporary Issues Class during my Intec years was why I have so much enthusiasm when it comes to freedom of speech. Of course, first, one must be responsible for what he or she wants or has to say. If you happened to be wrong or lack evidence, don't just wither away with your opinions. When this happened to me, I would apologize for the error in information and will ask for more time allowance to research a matter to make myself indestructible. There is nothing wrong with asking questions..even stupid ones; that is, to make my head cleared of any haze of doubts.

It is never wrong to have a bizarre opinion. You just gotta have a reason to back it up.
A: Why do you like yellow?
B: Because I like yellow lah!
I have seen too many of this!

But thank the Lord because I have also found a huge group like this.
A: Why do you like yellow?
B: It is the color of friendship/ I love anything bright and joyful/ It makes me smile.
No matter the reason. At least, they have a reasonable one.


Yellow yellow dirty fellow,
Yellow yellow down and mellow,
Yellow yellow who's that fellow,
Yellow yellow, checkout the new hello.

Peace!

THICK-SKINNED!

Citations, citations and more citations!

Surya, Vijay, Mr.D, Vatsal, Ajith!

Guitar is fixed but is not that tuned.

Life still goes on!

(This is the most absurd 'poem' I have ever written...hahah)

With finals, portfolios, assignments, ISC matters, my apartment stuffs and the usual ranting, I have had one person disturb my head REAL BAD this time around. This bastard's facebook name is Rocked DAfella-look him up and you will see what I mean.

A few weeks ago, a friend tagged me in a note in conjunction to Earth's day. In that note, he told me to spam the Prime Minister's FB wall with a message to get rid of the nuclear power plan that has got many environmental NGOs back home, uneasy. So I copied and pasted that message on his wall and some of my friends supported me, which is normal. The shock I received was a message from the bloke I've mentioned above. He asked me my intentions and "why was I supporting BN and those malay idiots?" So I replied him. I questioned his judgement of his name-calling and gave him a long essay on being rational and to grow up. I wish I did not deleted this 3-day long thread of messages but I did. I WAS SO ANGRY AT THE WAY HE CONDEMNED MY PATRIOTIC VIEWS AND THE WAY THE GOVERNMENT IS RUN.

He was being very emotional and rude just like all of you people who agree to his views! He was complaining on the inequality and finally played the race card on me by asking me to change my name to Tun Fatimah because of my views. He called me a bitch, crackhead, dumbass, cheapest low life, bastardised idiot and many more that I wish I could remember. He said that I was supporting them just because I am sponsored by them. Damn! How I wished now that I have not deleted that message. But I had to because I was already facing some problems with my life here on that day and his replies were not very motivating as you can already sense. Anyways, that day..............THAT DAY..........I CREATED SOMETHING VERY POWERFUL!

I developed thick skin.

I wish I could say it in a exaggerated manner to emphasize its meaning but that IS IT!

He made me realize that there are more of his kind of people in my home right now. "Instead of ranting over inequalities and how unfair the government is, why don't you try and make a difference? Complaining will take you backwards! " I told him that but as I expected, Einstein continued his signature, useless, magic trick of calling me a bitch. What pissed me off wasn't the name-calling and the uncivilized manner of speech, but when he told me that "the country is ruined because of people like you." I lashed back at him for saying that and his magic trick continued with many 'enticingly' described variations of his signature words. I even said "nalla irre" to him when I begun to noticed or assume how sad of a life he has being a hater.

It made me think that he was right in a way. People like me who still are in high spirits of the nation's development are too few to beat the majority of the people who are like him.

I have a plan.

I did not contest for the Presidency of ISC if I wasn't in it for a motive that I believed in. Whatever decisions that I have made in my life in the past 4 years was all geared toward a blurred big picture that I knew I had in my mind since I had the ability to think.

I am preparing myself for the blurred picture that is getting clearer day by day. I have a lot to learn and a hell lot more to realize, thanks to Rocked DAfella. To those out there or the members from the "People like me" party, don't just sit there and rant all day at the imperfections of our Malaysian lives anymore but please START working on it to make a difference. Don't waste time complaining about things that we already know to be true....you are not going anywhere! Instead of crying over spilled milk, get up and go get yourself another cup but this time, make sure its not a glass cup!

I have only spoken to a few people about this incident because I didn't have enough time to spread it like butter. For all the "people like me" out there, be aware that HATERS ARE ALWAYS AROUND TO MAKE OUR DAYS MORE INTERESTING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Notes about haters:

1. Haters only hate the things that they can't get and the people they can't be.
2. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them more.
   
3. If you don't like me remember it's mind over matter; I don't mind and you don't matter.
   
4. Don't hate what you can't imitate.
5. Don't hate me because I wasn't who you thought I was or who you wanted me to be. From start to finish you never knew the real me
6. Hating is the sincerest form of flattery.
7. Keep looking my way. My head is held high. You wanna bring me down? I dare you to try.
   

PEACE!

good luck for finals, folks!